Recently I was asked how does someone let go when the wounds are so deep? How do I move past the emotional scars that have immobilized me from moving on? This is a question that seems to be more common place than we would think. Being a human being in relationships requires us to be vulnerable. This openness is created by a belief that we can trust that individual or individuals with the essence of who we are. I have asked many groups of people what they believe trust is? I have heard many different responses but one reoccurring theme is the belief that the person you trust will not violate that trust, betray you or use what they know against you and love you regardless. The struggle is due to the simple fact that we are all human. There will always be an increased possibility that they will violate your trust.
In regards to letting go, letting go is a process of forgiving. It has been said that forgiveness is more about us than it is about the person we are forgiving. This statement is absolutely true. Where we become immobilized is when we get caught up in waiting for those that have caused the offense to acknowledge or fix what they have done or to somehow be vindicated in some miraculous way. Regardless if either of these two things occurs, it is requisite that we find within ourselves the ability to forgive and let go. The importance is due to the fact that when we refuse to let go, we create points of fixation that continue to draw us back to the place within us that the offense has occurred. This causes us to live and relive, continually being victimized by our own inability to let go.
How to let go? How to let go is a complicated answer. It is complicated by the complexity of the offense that has occurred. For some it may be simply choosing not to care anymore. For others it may be sitting down with a professional that will help guide them through the pieces of the event or events. For others it can simply come in choosing to refocus on what is true, regardless if others are unwilling to see the truth, drawing on their own personal internal value to anchor in.
Lastly but most importantly, just because we are letting go, does not mean that what happened was ok. It just means that we are done being held hostage and being caught up in the vicious cycle of obsessing and reinjuring ourselves. It is always important to back up the process of letting go by establishing healthy boundaries. It is easier to put up walls, isolate ourselves and to cut out relationships but in doing so we become trapped in our own walls. Boundaries are what will keep us safe and allow the relationship to move forward in whatever form it takes. Sometimes it requires us to limit our exposure to topics or people. Sometimes it requires us to fully say goodbye and allow that individual to move on with their life and us our own. Most often it allows relationships to re-stabilize and become healthy again. This occurs by not allowing ourselves or those that have offended to travel down paths where the offense has occurred before. In order for us to set boundaries we need to have a clear vision of how we want things to look in the future in that relationship, in other words how things will have to look in order for us to keep ourselves safe.
Letting go is the most powerful gift we can give ourselves. Liberating ourselves from past hurt and events, to open up our future, gives us new breath and hope. It is important for us to remember to have a vision of how we want things to be and set boundaries that will allow that to happen.
Dean N Nixon
Seminar Director, Life Coach