Recently I was asked how does someone let go when the wounds
are so deep? How do I move past the
emotional scars that have immobilized me from moving on? This is a question that seems to be more
common place than we would think. Being
a human being in relationships requires us to be vulnerable. This openness is created by a belief that we
can trust that individual or individuals with the essence of who we are. I have asked many groups of people what they believe trust
is? I have heard many different
responses but one reoccurring theme is the belief that the person you trust
will not violate that trust, betray you or use what they know against you and
love you regardless. The struggle is due to
the simple fact that we are all human. There will always be an increased
possibility that they will violate your trust.
In regards to letting go, letting go is a process of
forgiving. It has been said that
forgiveness is more about us than it is about the person we are forgiving. This statement is absolutely true. Where we become immobilized is when we get
caught up in waiting for those that have caused the offense to acknowledge or
fix what they have done or to somehow be vindicated in some miraculous
way. Regardless if either of these two
things occurs, it is requisite that we find within ourselves the ability to
forgive and let go. The importance is
due to the fact that when we refuse to let go, we create points of fixation
that continue to draw us back to the place within us that the offense has
occurred. This causes us to live and relive, continually being victimized by
our own inability to let go.
How to let go? How to
let go is a complicated answer. It is
complicated by the complexity of the offense that has occurred. For some it may be simply choosing not to
care anymore. For others it may be
sitting down with a professional that will help guide them through the pieces
of the event or events. For others it
can simply come in choosing to refocus on what is true, regardless if others are
unwilling to see the truth, drawing on their own personal internal value to
anchor in.
Lastly but most importantly, just because we are letting go,
does not mean that what happened was ok.
It just means that we are done being held hostage and being caught up in
the vicious cycle of obsessing and reinjuring ourselves. It is always important
to back up the process of letting go by establishing healthy boundaries. It is easier to put up walls, isolate
ourselves and to cut out relationships but in doing so we become trapped in our
own walls. Boundaries are what will keep
us safe and allow the relationship to move forward in whatever form it
takes. Sometimes it requires us to limit
our exposure to topics or people.
Sometimes it requires us to fully say goodbye and allow that individual to
move on with their life and us our own.
Most often it allows relationships to re-stabilize and become healthy
again. This occurs by not allowing ourselves or those that have offended to
travel down paths where the offense has occurred before. In order for us to set boundaries we need to
have a clear vision of how we want
things to look in the future in that relationship, in other words how things
will have to look in order for us to keep ourselves safe.
Letting go is the most powerful gift we can give
ourselves. Liberating ourselves from
past hurt and events, to open up our future, gives us new breath and hope. It
is important for us to remember to have a vision of how we want things to be
and set boundaries that will allow that to happen.
